Skip to content

The Huntress vs. The Headline: “My Crush On A Thinking Man’s Croissant”

Today is hump day, which gives many people much to be excited about – except for this Huntress who happens to be on strict rest again. Which gives me plenty of opportunity to cruise for headlines in all their great glory. Such headlines of grandeur for today include “Allan Now One Of The Greats” delivered by AdelaideNow (‘Allan! Allan! Allan! Allan! Allan! Al! Allan! Allan!’ – sorry couldn’t resist that), “Ruby Bares All For Animals” slung out there by The Courier Mail and my favourite lame headline of the day “Locky Horror’s Stitcher Show” dumped upon us by The Telegraph.com.au.

I just love how the journalists who write these headlines assume that we actually know who Locky, Ruby and Allan are. Especially when it turns out that it wasn’t Allan at all, but Steve.

I spent many hours today trying to find a suitable headline to write about. I was glad when I chanced across this one from The Australian’s ‘The Wry Side’ for the sad, simple reason that I have been spending much quality time with Fenris (!), my hopeless crush from the game ‘Dragon Age 2’ (yeah, yeah, I know, but aaahhhh, his voice! Oh that voice!). Stephen Lunn talks about women he has been infatuated with previously and his current crush upon Christine Legarde, the recently appointed Managing Director of the International Monetory Fund. Mr. Lunn likes to describe Ms. Legarde as being a kind of ‘thinking man’s croissant’, an equivilent to the ‘thinking girl’s crumpet’, with her ‘stellar career’, alcohol-free, vegan lifestyle and previous stint as part of the French national synchronised swimming team. I’m not too sure about the teetotalling, veganism part, but I can understand how Mr. Lunn might find Ms. Legarde attractive – personally, I’m wondering if it’s something to do with discipline?

But aside from that, Mr. Lunn talks about when he actually met Ms. Legarde at a conference in Melbourne when she was still the French trade minister. He describes her “throaty laugh”, “perfect English with a French lilt” and “flashing eyes” alongside her natural “authority, calmness and control” that was met with a certain femininity. Ms. Largarde, Mr. Lunn asserts, “definitely has something. There’s got to be a word. A certain…I don’t know…”

What is that certain je ne sais quois that some people seem to carry? I’m sure we’ve all met someone who just seems to shine, someone who catches the eye of everyone as they walk into a room, a person who carries their presence and casts a charm over just about everyone they talk to. Whether it’s something that’s visible to anyone but yourself is a different question, but some people really do just have that je ne sais quois. To be so inexplicably drawn to someone for reasons you can’t even understand, be it the way they carry themselves, a gaze they hold or a lingering demeanour…it’s just so…I don’t know…

I think I need to stop there before my mind gets carried away. Sigh.

So, now that I actually think about it there was no actual point to today’s entry. I just felt like writing something (anything!) and this happened to be the best headline I could find. Sorry about that…I suppose I ought to go back to my fictional romancing of Fenris (!).

Not too sure about Fenris being thinking girl’s crumpet, but since when did I claim to be a thinking girl?

(Image credited to artist Alsiony, with thanks to deviantART)

The Huntress vs. The Headline: “Make Coffee. Check Email. Ask Workmates If They’re OK.”

Thursday! Traditionally my favourite day of the week, Thursday has been a bit lacking today. But to brighten my spirits there have been some fantastic headlines from our nation’s top read news providers. It has been a hard choice with so many sensational wonders to choose from, but the takers of today’s prizes are The Courier Mail’s “Dick Pratt’s Ex Strips Off The Latex”, The Herald Sun’s “Gordon Ramsay’s Dwarf Porn Twin Dies” and without a question my absolute favourite from PerthNow “What A Shock: Sandilands Has No Talent”.

It’s not exactly news, but it was still good to get the message out there, just in case one or two people were still mistaken.

Today’s news headline of the day is also about promoting a worthwhile message for a very important cause. Today, Thursday the 15th of September, is national ‘R U OK?’ day, a mental health promotional day that encourages us to check in with family, friends or colleagues and simply ask the question ‘are you ok?’. Gordon Parker, the author of today’s headline, notes that 1 in 5 Australian people will suffer from some kind of clinical depression or bipolar disorder over the course of their lifetime. For those who are not afflicted it is likely that one or more of their family members, friends or colleagues have been touched by the ‘Black Dog’, but for some strange reason, as a society, we continue to stigmatise people who suffer from a mental illness.

Mr. Parker makes an interesting comment within his article; he has been made aware of people who have been committed to psychiatric units in hospital to receive much needed treatment for their condition. Some of these patients “never receive visitors, letters of support or flowers, while if in the general hospital they would have visitors aplenty and overflowing vases”; this is a sad indication of how we treat those with mental illness. “R U OK?” day is seeking to reduce the stigma associated with mood disorders, which in turn makes it is easier for people to seek help and assistance for mental illness and has the futher benefit of reducing the suicide rate in Australia. It’s amazing how three little words and an ear can offer such hope and save lives.

I do have my own little “R U OK?” story, even if it is nowhere near as impressive as the work of Don Ritchie. I was at the local school, waiting to pick my son up from his classroom when I noticed a woman pushing a little girl on the swings with tears streaming down her face. You could see that it was taking all her strength to keep pushing that swing and not completely break down. I stopped and turned to see if anyone was with this woman, but she appeared to be completely alone in every sense – and every other parent in that playground was giving it their best effort to not ‘notice’ this woman, even though it was plainly obvious she was suffering. I walked over to her and simply said “Excuse me, I just have to ask, are you OK?”. She replied “Thank you, but I’m fine”. It was not hard to see she was not ‘fine’ at all and I told her that it didn’t seem she was ‘fine’. This lady sobbed and sobbed and told me the most extraordinary story of her young son battling cancer, her young daughter being unwell and all her family troubles. She seemed to have such little family support and was desperately trying to be a pillar of strength, but yet was having her heart torn apart by the world that was crumbling around her. I was fortunate enough to be able to give her my time to listen to her problems, offer my empathy and reassure her that things would change. I was also in a position to be able to stay in touch with this lady over the weeks and ensure that she knew I was available to listen if she needed it. I don’t think we ever spoke much ever again but that fateful day she needed someone just to ask “are you ok?” and seemed so grateful for it.


So, if you have the opportunity today, ask someone “R U OK?” If not today, do it tomorrow, or anytime at all – any day is a good day to save a life.

And before I forget. Are you OK?

The Huntress vs. The Headline: “Where Sex Toys Lead, Thongs Now Follow”

It’s Friday! With the end of the working week the national headlines have also seemed to have tapered off in interest and quality. Articles of intrigue today have included the groundbreaking “Men Want Women With Sex Appeal” (Really, Herald Sun? Really?), the scintillating “Miss Columbia, Please Wear Your Knickers!” (a reasonable request, PerthNow) and the passionate “Teen Killed Girlfriend In Garlic Bread Row” (but was it good garlic bread, News.com.au? That I would be interested to know).

Note to self: for a long, happy life be sexy, wear knickers and make good garlic bread.

So, in relation to today’s headline what can you do with a baguette, a sex toy and thongs?

(You dirty bastards!)

Well the answer happens to be that you can buy all of the above from a vending machine. Haviana’s (yes, I am talking about the abysmal, uncomfortable footwear, otherwise known as flip-flops. Not the abysmal, uncomfortable underwear that Miss Columbia was not wearing) have sparked an Australian trend towards vending machines this week by installing the first thong dispensing machine at a Westfield mall in Sydney. The idea is that the consumer will be able to attain instant gratification and novelty by being able to purchase ‘everyday’ items from conveniently located vending machines. Which is why you can now buy your everyday baguette, your everyday gold and your everyday sex toy for instant gratification from various vending machines around the world.

Got to love getting instant gratification.

Now we all understand that Australia is lagging when it comes to new trends and technology. The Japanese have long been embracing vending machines for all their everyday needs which include eggs, beer and dry ice (well you need something to keep the beer cold, no?). I have always loved the crazy Japanese vending machines, including my personal favourite, the dispensers of ‘used schoolgirl knickers’. I was thrilled when my wonderful friend made a trip to Japan last year and asked if I wanted anything from over there. How could I refuse such an offer and I immediately sent him upon a journey to retrieve me a pair of said ‘used schoolgirl knickers’ from a vending machine. I don’t think my lovely friend speaks Japanese, but he did dilligently try to find me a pair. I was devastated when he informed me that ‘used schoolgirl knickers’ were no longer dispensed by vending machines due to health concerns.

I certainly have no qualms about the reasons for withdrawing ‘used schoolgirl knickers’ from sale in vending machines and in truth I had no idea what I was going to do with them. Though I do think they would have been excellent for provoking interesting dinner party discussions. I also find it interesting that according to Photomann Travel Photography a pair of used schoolgirl knickers range in price from approximately AUD$12 to AUD$36.50 at 2002 prices. While I find the ‘novelty’ of ‘used schoolgirl knickers’ absolutely hilarious I find it even more hilarious that there was enough of a market to sell them, at that price, from a vending machine. Are schoolgirls really wearing them first? Who is buying them? What are they actually doing with them? Do I really want to know the answer to any of these questions?

 

Errrr, no. No I don’t want to know. Forget I said anything.

The Huntress vs. The Headline: “Blades To The Head Can’t Stop Old People Being Bad Ass”

After hopelessly trawling the headlines for weeks I have FINALLY come up with a worthwhile headline to update this attrocious blog. Which is excellent because the dodgy news headlines have continued to be as entertaining and as stupid as they always have been. Such, ah, riveting headlines today have included “Rates Eat Homes, Machinery…Your Teeth” brought to us by The Courier Mail, “Disgusted Victim Invites Burglar To Dinner” courtesy of the Herald Sun and “You CAN Be A Pornstar And A Teacher” with thanks to News.com.au.

Just think of all those pornstars who can now finally fulfill their dreams of becoming a teacher. Doesn’t it just warm your heart?

I was actually spoiled for choice after such a long headline drought with three potential candidates for today’s entry. The honourable mentions go to The Australian’s “Brain Eating Cannibal Killed Fellow Patient At High Security UK Hospital” and The Punch’s “Ten Dead People Who Stubbornly Refuse To Die”. I love that the Gillard government was included on that list. However the winner takes all with today’s fantastic headline written by the entertaining Jason Tin. Mr. Tin discusses how Arizona pensioner, Leroy Luetscher, became his hero last week when he was admitted to hospital with a pair of garden sheers lodged in his eye socket. The shears were very firmly lodged in his skull (see medical imaging below!) but is thankfully expected to make a full recovery. Mr. Tin has much admiration for Mr. Luetscher as he handled himself ‘with class and dignity’ (I should try doing that more often) and simply thanked those who helped him during his hospital stay. No ‘check me out I’m awesome, I’m gonna paste it all over Facebook’ actions that would typically come from younger people today. Nope, Mr. Luetscher is just a stoic, tough oldie that I too aspire to be like when I’m old.

I do absolutely enjoy the company of our elderly for the same reasons as Mr. Tin. The elderly are so often bad asses, not giving a damn and doing everything however they hell they want. Which is completely cool. I fondly remember a wonderful elderly patient I had the good fortune to care for who told me about his young neighbour and her tendency to play rock music at full volume at all hours. He responded by playing Mozart until his walls vibrated at all hours. How’s that for giving someone the finger? I also loved a family friends Polish grandmother who politely declined a vodka and orange as the orange juice now gave her heartburn –  she would just have the vodka straight up, thank you very much. Rock ‘n’ roll!

When I’m old I hope I’m completely crazy and don’t give a damn. I hope I have too many pets and talk loudly to all of them, expecting them to respond. I hope I wear bright, fantastic dresses with gloves, hats and lipstick whenever I go out and flirt madly with inappropriate young men. I hope the young inappropriate men will humour me and flirt back. I hope I complain bitterly about the declining quality of music and the state of young people’s dress today, loudly tutting to myself in the meantime so everyone in the vicinity can hear. I hope that I switch my hearing aids off when I’ve had enough of listening to someone, defy my doctor’s pleas to drink less champagne and not wear high heels and request my hairdresser dye my hair with blue streaks. Just for a bit of fun you know, dear.

Yep, I wanna be a bad ass oldie!

The Huntress vs. The Headline: “History’s 5 Most Obnoxious Beer Marketing Techniques”

Aaaaannnnndddddd The Huntress is back! Did you miss me? More importantly, did I miss anything? While circumstance did not permit me to fulfil my regular blogging schedule I did note that there were few worthy headlines going around in the past few weeks, which does make me feel slightly better about missing out on all the fun. What I haven’t missed out upon, however, is the top terrible headlines that continue to fascinate me in all their appalling glory. Today’s are of an excellent standard (in the unworthy sense) with such sensations as “Mooning Prank A Bummer For Youth” kindly brought to us by PerthNow.com, “Criminal Beauty In Eye Of Beholder” courtesy of The Telegraph.com.au and the holy grail of important news of the day “Great Grandma Has Boob Job At 83” with thanks to The Courier Mail.

Hmmm, it doesn’t seem I missed anything.

Moving on to today’s headline. I have been actively looking for a good headline for a few days, to no avail, so I thought this one would provide some light hearted amusement and entertainment. James Norton, the Supertaster of Chow.com had his curiosity sparked when an AUD$3,146,000 advertising campaign for Animee, a “bloat resistant” (?) beer aimed at the female market, was announced to begin in September of this year. The rationale for this campaign is “women are an essential part of future growth for the beer industry and can no longer be ignored”. Aside from the fact that it has been touted as a “crappy beer” by women who actually drink the stuff, Mr. Norton was more fascinated by the odious targeting of the marketers and wondered was this the most obnoxious marketing campaign used by a beer company to gain sales. Evidently not.

First of all I must note that I do not drink beer. Ever. Second of all I must note that I have always been mystified by beer advertising techniques, which largly seem to feature large breasted, scantily clad blondes that look questionably like Barbie. I fail to see what that actually has to do with beer, but I do remember liking the James Boag “Gallantry Is Back” ad campaign, which featured a modest, sexy lady, which also has little to do with beer. And neither does gallantry in my experience with those who consume large volumes of the product. Which leads me to my point that beer advertising is enigmatic and sketchy even at the best of times. Even if I could be swayed by the chivalrous bearskin rug and open fire scenario…

Excuse me a moment.

Back to reality. Mr. Norton has pinpointed the five most obnoxious marketing techniques for beer that are going around at the moment. First of all is cold-activated graphics. In the US it would seem there are two ways to get a market’s attention for an alcoholic product. One is the use of female celebrities wearing very little clothing and the other is product packaging (please note that neither of these advertising techniques actually relate to having a product that tastes good and therefore making people want to buy it). So to make your beer seem superior to all other beers on the market you slap a label on the bottle that changes colour to inform you that it is now cold enough that you can’t actually taste it anymore and is therefore drinkable. Genius.

The second most obnoxious campaign is a 4 step technique that Mr. Norton suggests should be patented by the brewer utilising it. Step one: Make a beer with an alcohol content of 32%. Step two: Give it a catchy name (Tactical Nuclear Penguin in this case). Step three: Bring your “extreme” product to the media. Step four: Profit. Successful, no?

The third and fourth respectively obnoxious ad campaigns are those relating to “gay” beers (because gay people can drink beer too!) and I quote “the monstrosity that is Budweiser Chelada”, otherwise known as “dead shellfish ale”. I love the way Mr. Norton describes that one in his Supertaster video.

The fifth most obnoxious beer marketing technique reflects upon the first point. Because some people are just too uber cool for cold-activated graphic labelling on their beer they have to up the ante with DOUBLE cold-activated graphics. Nifty thinking. So now you can be assured that you know when your beer is not only cold, but really, really super cold. Yep, just doubly stupid and obnoxious.

I went looking for a picture of a beer ad and was instantly intrigued by this…

Allegedly “Oosik” translates to “walrus penis”. I have no idea what to say…

The Huntress vs. The Headline: “ICB. PMS. Don’t. Get. Me. Started.”

I used to get really excited about Thursday’s and being let out to play ‘celebrate the barman’ (Ahhhh, Ric! I miss you!), but sadly that doesn’t seem to be happening so consistently anymore. But that’s ok because I have really ambiguous headlines to play with instead. What do The Telegraph.com.au mean by “Chooka Feathers Ruffled”? News.com.au seem to be searching for answers for that question with their headline “Was This Unidentified Object Once Flying?”. And I must confess I did a double take when I saw the Herald Sun’s “Human Headline Silenced By Court” and wondered if I had finally conquered my nemesis, The Headline. Thankfully my saga can continue as I believe that particular headline relates to a real, live journalist, not someone who pretends they know what they’re talking about.

Insert awkward little cough in here.

Now I am reasonably certain that we have all fallen afoul of the raging lunar hormonal monster in our lives in one way or another, so I quite enjoyed today’s headline from the author of ‘I Call Bullshit’ (ICB), Tory Crankypants. It would seem that some advertising executives found a 2005 study that suggested 1200mg of calcium a day for a mininum of three months can help relieve some pre-menstrual symptoms in some women. So armed with this, ah, staggeringly well researched information the advertising executives have created the everythingidoiswrong.org advertising campaign to sell their designer product – which happens to be milk.

Ms. Crankpants notes that PMS is a strange beast and I am definitely inclined to agree. Some women are lucky enough to get through with some minor feelings of inadequacy and bloating. Others might inhale ludicrous amounts of chocolate and cry over toilet paper ads featuring cute puppies. Some might turn into a cesspit of simmering rage barely restrained by the bra that’s designated for once-a-month usage and 2 cup sizes larger than normal. Yeah, I think we can agree it’s a pretty strange beast, but there is one thing I don’t find strange about all of this – and that is the large amount of men who will be presenting to emergency departments all over the nation with milk cartons lodged up their arses.

Let’s divert for two seconds and look at some facts. A 250ml glass of milk contains 300mg of calcium. Therefore to get the requisite 1200mg of calcium suggested to try and relieve those feelings of homicide/suicide one would have to drink a whole litre of milk. Does anyone else feel queasy at the thought of that?

Ok, back on track with a simple question. When one is wrestling with a raging hormonal bull what should you do?

A. Offer the raging bull a bar of chocolate.

B. Offer the raging bull a glass of wine and a bar of chocolate.

C. Offer the raging bull a new pair of shoes, a glass of wine and a bar of chocolate.

D. Offer the raging bull a glass of milk.

As a hint one of those answers may make the raging bull see red and charge. And can you blame the poor bull? Since when do you offer someone feeling angry and bloated a glass of milk? Let alone a whole litre of milk? How the hell is that supposed to relieve the bloat? Huh?!? HUH?!? I am actually giggling madly as I write this because it is just so hilarious that some guys in suits (I just need to explain here that I have nothing against men in suits. Actually I love seeing a man in a good suit. As long he’s not offering me milk) think they can make it all better by giving me a glass of milk. What is wrong with shoes? Really? I cannot think of a more thoughtful thing to do for a lady (especially at THAT time of the month when nothing else seems to fit) than give her a shiny pair of new shoes. Red ones. Sparkly. In size nine. No?

So I do find the everythingidoiswrong.org campaign stupid and condescending and yes, if I am offered a glass of milk during my ‘special’ time it is likely I will do something ‘special’ with said milk (I still can’t understand why they’re not onto the shoe thing). However, I must say I do like some of the poster ads that the advertisers have come up with and can empathise with their cause in that respect.

This one particularly makes me laugh, but it still wouldn’t stop me from doing something unpredictable with the milk carton.

The Huntress vs. The Headline: “PR 101: Helping Burqa Banners Stay On Message”

Today’s headlines have left me in abject despair – surely they can’t get any worse than some of the tripe I have previously encountered, but evidently they do. AdelaideNow have left me in a depressed state over “Thin Wives Keep Husbands Happy”, the Herald Sun have plunged me into anhedonia with “Chooka’s outburst ‘scared people'” and News.com.au have taken away my will to live with “Murdoch: The Foam Pie Hit That Backfired”.

I’ll have a bottle of wine, six Xanax and a straightjacket to go please.

Today’s article has been very well executed and I believe the author, Tory Shepherd, has posed some excellent advice to those, uh, ‘special’ people out there who feel that the burqa is offensive and should be banned. PR advice offered to those 20,000 people who have pledged to join a “Ban The Burqa” protest includes learning to spell and following the rules of grammar, conserve your time and energy for logical arguments and threatening violence has a tendency to make you look like a nutter. It all seems like sound advice to me.

Ms. Shepherd discusses how the message the protesters seemingly wish to convey is clouded by illogical connections, rantings and violence. Allegedly those people attending the “Ban The Burqa” protest are going to be wearing balaclavas and trench coats…because, um, maybe we shouldn’t wear balaclavas or trench coats? Or perhaps ladies wearing a burqa should opt for a balaclava and a trench coat? I think everyone should own a trench coat, they’re fantastic (I have one in pretty red, one with excellent 1/2 length sleeves and a trench dress with the back cut out – impractical, but very cool. In more than one way), but like Ms. Shepherd I fail to see the connection between balaclava’s, trench coats and burqas.

The ranting is definitely an issue of poor PR on behalf of the burqa banners. They do wonder why they are often accused of being ignorant, illiterate bigots, but do they really have to wonder when such messages are being added to the Facebook protest page as: “Your kid/sista/motha, whateva gets raped by a hep c carrying aids infected junkie posing as a woman dressed in a burqa! No this crook gets away but noone got a good description just saying a burqa clad person about 5foot6 dressed in black…………….Did this!” (Is it really necessary for me to note ‘sic’ for that little quote? Do you know how long it took for me to faithfully type that out? Not to mention how long it took to decipher it)? Ms. Shepherd notes that it seems the person responsible for this little rant may have some concerns about security, but, due to the incomprensible nature of the rant, has lost their point in a sea of spelling errors and non-existant grammar.

Hate-filled, bile-spitting violence is another pressing issue that seems to do no favours to the message the burqa banners are trying to convey. Quite often the burqa (or actually Ms. Shepherd states, the niqab, which is the face veil the burqa banners have probably got burqa confused with) issue is being confused with the issue of asylum seekers coming to Australia via boat, another (entirely) different contentious issue in Australia. But exclaiming “Mate do us a favor and press the fucking button already. The sooner you’s all go off the better!” merely makes you look like an uneducated sociopath with aggressive tendencies, rather than drawing empathy to your chosen cause.

As a finishing note to todays entry (and as I was reminded of this pic on the Coco Blog after cruising Coco de Mer’s site for a pic the other day) I have always loved this picture and wanted to share it.

When people talk of the burqa (or niqab) they so often speak of women being oppressed. The blog entry “Welcome Home Honey” ,written by Sam Roddick, briefly explores some ideas about western presumptions of women from other cultures. What I particularly like about this picture is that it makes you wonder who has been blinded in their ideals and had their freedom of expression removed. Just a thought, of course…