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The Huntress vs. The Headline: “Blades To The Head Can’t Stop Old People Being Bad Ass”

September 1, 2011

After hopelessly trawling the headlines for weeks I have FINALLY come up with a worthwhile headline to update this attrocious blog. Which is excellent because the dodgy news headlines have continued to be as entertaining and as stupid as they always have been. Such, ah, riveting headlines today have included “Rates Eat Homes, Machinery…Your Teeth” brought to us by The Courier Mail, “Disgusted Victim Invites Burglar To Dinner” courtesy of the Herald Sun and “You CAN Be A Pornstar And A Teacher” with thanks to News.com.au.

Just think of all those pornstars who can now finally fulfill their dreams of becoming a teacher. Doesn’t it just warm your heart?

I was actually spoiled for choice after such a long headline drought with three potential candidates for today’s entry. The honourable mentions go to The Australian’s “Brain Eating Cannibal Killed Fellow Patient At High Security UK Hospital” and The Punch’s “Ten Dead People Who Stubbornly Refuse To Die”. I love that the Gillard government was included on that list. However the winner takes all with today’s fantastic headline written by the entertaining Jason Tin. Mr. Tin discusses how Arizona pensioner, Leroy Luetscher, became his hero last week when he was admitted to hospital with a pair of garden sheers lodged in his eye socket. The shears were very firmly lodged in his skull (see medical imaging below!) but is thankfully expected to make a full recovery. Mr. Tin has much admiration for Mr. Luetscher as he handled himself ‘with class and dignity’ (I should try doing that more often) and simply thanked those who helped him during his hospital stay. No ‘check me out I’m awesome, I’m gonna paste it all over Facebook’ actions that would typically come from younger people today. Nope, Mr. Luetscher is just a stoic, tough oldie that I too aspire to be like when I’m old.

I do absolutely enjoy the company of our elderly for the same reasons as Mr. Tin. The elderly are so often bad asses, not giving a damn and doing everything however they hell they want. Which is completely cool. I fondly remember a wonderful elderly patient I had the good fortune to care for who told me about his young neighbour and her tendency to play rock music at full volume at all hours. He responded by playing Mozart until his walls vibrated at all hours. How’s that for giving someone the finger? I also loved a family friends Polish grandmother who politely declined a vodka and orange as the orange juice now gave her heartburn –  she would just have the vodka straight up, thank you very much. Rock ‘n’ roll!

When I’m old I hope I’m completely crazy and don’t give a damn. I hope I have too many pets and talk loudly to all of them, expecting them to respond. I hope I wear bright, fantastic dresses with gloves, hats and lipstick whenever I go out and flirt madly with inappropriate young men. I hope the young inappropriate men will humour me and flirt back. I hope I complain bitterly about the declining quality of music and the state of young people’s dress today, loudly tutting to myself in the meantime so everyone in the vicinity can hear. I hope that I switch my hearing aids off when I’ve had enough of listening to someone, defy my doctor’s pleas to drink less champagne and not wear high heels and request my hairdresser dye my hair with blue streaks. Just for a bit of fun you know, dear.

Yep, I wanna be a bad ass oldie!

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