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The Huntress vs. The Headline: “ICB. PMS. Don’t. Get. Me. Started.”

July 21, 2011

I used to get really excited about Thursday’s and being let out to play ‘celebrate the barman’ (Ahhhh, Ric! I miss you!), but sadly that doesn’t seem to be happening so consistently anymore. But that’s ok because I have really ambiguous headlines to play with instead. What do The Telegraph.com.au mean by “Chooka Feathers Ruffled”? News.com.au seem to be searching for answers for that question with their headline “Was This Unidentified Object Once Flying?”. And I must confess I did a double take when I saw the Herald Sun’s “Human Headline Silenced By Court” and wondered if I had finally conquered my nemesis, The Headline. Thankfully my saga can continue as I believe that particular headline relates to a real, live journalist, not someone who pretends they know what they’re talking about.

Insert awkward little cough in here.

Now I am reasonably certain that we have all fallen afoul of the raging lunar hormonal monster in our lives in one way or another, so I quite enjoyed today’s headline from the author of ‘I Call Bullshit’ (ICB), Tory Crankypants. It would seem that some advertising executives found a 2005 study that suggested 1200mg of calcium a day for a mininum of three months can help relieve some pre-menstrual symptoms in some women. So armed with this, ah, staggeringly well researched information the advertising executives have created the everythingidoiswrong.org advertising campaign to sell their designer product – which happens to be milk.

Ms. Crankpants notes that PMS is a strange beast and I am definitely inclined to agree. Some women are lucky enough to get through with some minor feelings of inadequacy and bloating. Others might inhale ludicrous amounts of chocolate and cry over toilet paper ads featuring cute puppies. Some might turn into a cesspit of simmering rage barely restrained by the bra that’s designated for once-a-month usage and 2 cup sizes larger than normal. Yeah, I think we can agree it’s a pretty strange beast, but there is one thing I don’t find strange about all of this – and that is the large amount of men who will be presenting to emergency departments all over the nation with milk cartons lodged up their arses.

Let’s divert for two seconds and look at some facts. A 250ml glass of milk contains 300mg of calcium. Therefore to get the requisite 1200mg of calcium suggested to try and relieve those feelings of homicide/suicide one would have to drink a whole litre of milk. Does anyone else feel queasy at the thought of that?

Ok, back on track with a simple question. When one is wrestling with a raging hormonal bull what should you do?

A. Offer the raging bull a bar of chocolate.

B. Offer the raging bull a glass of wine and a bar of chocolate.

C. Offer the raging bull a new pair of shoes, a glass of wine and a bar of chocolate.

D. Offer the raging bull a glass of milk.

As a hint one of those answers may make the raging bull see red and charge. And can you blame the poor bull? Since when do you offer someone feeling angry and bloated a glass of milk? Let alone a whole litre of milk? How the hell is that supposed to relieve the bloat? Huh?!? HUH?!? I am actually giggling madly as I write this because it is just so hilarious that some guys in suits (I just need to explain here that I have nothing against men in suits. Actually I love seeing a man in a good suit. As long he’s not offering me milk) think they can make it all better by giving me a glass of milk. What is wrong with shoes? Really? I cannot think of a more thoughtful thing to do for a lady (especially at THAT time of the month when nothing else seems to fit) than give her a shiny pair of new shoes. Red ones. Sparkly. In size nine. No?

So I do find the everythingidoiswrong.org campaign stupid and condescending and yes, if I am offered a glass of milk during my ‘special’ time it is likely I will do something ‘special’ with said milk (I still can’t understand why they’re not onto the shoe thing). However, I must say I do like some of the poster ads that the advertisers have come up with and can empathise with their cause in that respect.

This one particularly makes me laugh, but it still wouldn’t stop me from doing something unpredictable with the milk carton.

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