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The Huntress vs. The Headline: “The Shame Of The Dirty Martini Drinker”

May 27, 2011

Its been a while since I have done ‘Dumb-Down Friday’ and admittedly it’s not due to a lack of options. AdelaideNow has given us “Few Like Eddie, But They Hate Sam”, News.com.au presented “The Lights Are On, But Someone’s There” and the Herald Sun have come up with the catchy “Spin King’s The Sheik Of Sleek”.

Nope, I just can’t bring myself to dive any further into these headlines. It’s too risky to my mental health.

Just as a small diversion from my regular format I was sent these really excellent headlines yesterday. Evan, who sent me the headlines, is the author of the witty blog “Worst Guy Ever” and I recommend you take a moment out to read his entertaining analogies. Out of the amusing selection I was sent my favourites included “Homicide Victims Rarely Talk To Police”, “Statistics Show That Teen Pregnancy Drops Off Significantly After Age 25” and “Hi Everybody. Headline Goes Here Please”. My absolute favourite is “Woman In Sumo Wrestler Suit Assaulted Her Ex-Girlfriend In Gay Pub After She Waved At Man Dressed In Snickers Bar”.

Very cool.

Moving on to today’s headline. It is no secret amongst those who know me that I might enjoy the occasional cocktail. Or three. And I might show a slight disdain for certain types of drinkers. These drinkers include those who specifically drink Grey Goose vodka – particularly if they mix it, anyone who drinks vodka and Redbull and the ubiquitous ‘Dirty Martini’. A view I apparently share with Jordan MacKay, author of today’s headline.

The Dirty Martini is a very ‘special’ drink. For those who have not had the misfortune of stumbling across this drink it is a regular martini with the addition of olive brine. Yes, olive brine. It is one of the most vile substances I have ever put in my mouth, including the CT contrast I once had to drink prior to a radiological scan. It is drunk by the type of people who “don’t care for the taste of alcohol to pretend they’re having a ‘grown-up’ drink”. These people like to believe they’re drinking a sophisticated cocktail, when really they’re drinking something not even any decent homeless alcoholic would touch. And I’ve come across alcoholics who will happily chug a litre of Listerine a day, so I don’t make that comment lightly.

So how do we get around this phenomena? The US bar, East Side Show Room, stopped carrying olives so they could legitimately refuse Dirty Martini’s without appearing snobbish. Or one innovative lady, Misty Kalkofen, marinated olives in vermouth with thyme and sage for a couple of weeks, then muddled said olives with a pinch of salt as a far more respectable take on the Dirty Martini. I would be willing to try that if I actually liked olives, but sadly I don’t.

In the meantime I am going to stick with my regular choice of drinks until I find something else that takes my fancy. For those of you who have never had the pleasure of my favourite cocktail, the Hemingway Daiquiri, I am going to give you the recipe. I will have far more respect for you if you order this over a Dirty Martini:

Hemingway Daiquiri

60ml light Rum

15ml Maraschino Liqueur

30ml fresh grapefruit juice

15ml fresh lime juice

Shake all ingredients together. Strain into glass. After a dozen you are well on the way to being the master, Hemingway, himself.

Chin, chin, bottoms up!

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