Hello, my friends!
Alas, I have no headlines for you today. Well, not real ones, this is just a shameless plug to share my new Huntress with you. The Huntress vs. The Contractor has been rolling around in my head for some years and I thought it was time I spat it out. So here it is. I hope you enjoy the story, it’s still in its infancy and is very rough around the edges, so be gentle.
Happy weekend everyone! Here’s to awkward mornings (beats a boring night!), swift hangover recoveries and another day to do it all over again.
It is with thanks to the wonderful Chris that my attention was brought to today’s headline. But first I must deliver the awards for today’s terrible top three. I was going to run with a drama theme, but in the short period of time I disappeared to the kitchen I came back to some great head-scratchers. Such as “Hold The Bus: It’s The Pope!” (PerthNow), “Who Has Made Stories Up, Minister?” (The Australian) and “Disturbing Truth Behind Disney Stories” (News.com.au). Ok, I confess the last headline has an amusing video attached, but I shall spare you the pain of the article and link straight to the video. Because screw you BP, Prince Ali, beastiality and STDs!
Moving on to todays article. Before I begin I would like to note that the journalist who wrote this article seems to have no idea what a vagina actually is. The correct terminology would have been vulva (external female genitalia), as opposed to vagina (internal female genitalia). I have recently been made aware of the work of Kath Mazzella OAM, a leader on all issues gynae and female sexual health. Part of Ms. Mazzella’s campaign, Viva la Vulva, is to help women become aware of their own anatomy and to encourage exploration of their bodies. As I am now studying sexology (and thoroughly enjoying my studies!) I thought it would be prudent to throw that out there.
“Anti-Abortion MP, Shouted Down By Protester Dressed as VULVA”.
Much more betterer.
Ok, so to the article. Canadian conservative MP, Stephen Woodworth, abruptly ended a lecture after being confronted by student, Ethan Jackson dressed as a vulva, on his staunch anti-abortion stance. Jackson, who fondly refers to his costume as “Vulvetta”, attempted to use satire to educate the MP, as opposed to intimidation, to induce a feeling of discomfort in Woodworth – similar to the discomfort felt by many when they heard that the conservative MP was trying to remove access for women to abortion. Yep, you read that right REMOVE access to abortion.
Last year Woodworth controversially filed a motion to determine when during pregnancy a human being is formed and what the consequences would be if a foetus was to be recognised as a human being prior to exiting the uterus. Current Canadian legislation defines a foetus as being human after it emerges alive from the human body. Thankfully, the motion was defeated 203-91, however many saw the stance as an attempt to reignite the abortion debate in Canada. It is because of this Woodworth was also justly awarded the ‘Kitchener-Waterloo’s Nastiest Misogynist’ award with the following speech:
“In the name of every cunt, we stand here today refusing to let you further devalue the anatomical jewel, and moreover refusing to let you keep talking about removing it. We are the defenders of the cunt. You are threatening the freedom of all cunts while disseminating anti-cunt misinformation in institutions that require academic integrity”.
I don’t have a name for the woman who delivered this speech and awarded Mr. Woodworth with his prize, however I do know she wore a red dress. I like her even more for that.
I’m in a difficult position on this one; while I wholeheartedly stand by the protesters and I will fight for a womans right to access safe abortion (I was heavily involved in the mid/late nineties abortion campaigns in Western Australia, which eventually did achieve some reform), I do believe in an individuals right to freedom of expression. I do wonder, however, where the University of Waterloo stand on the issue as I would have thought it is up to them to choose the standard and quality of speaker presenting at their university. I remember feeling deeply ashamed a few years back when the university I attended for my undergraduate degree allowed Christopher Monckton to speak at their premises. I and many other people appalled by this wrote to the university, but I believe the talk still went ahead. While universities are the place for the fostering of ideas and critical thinking, one would hope that this is done in a progressive, rather than regressive manner. Perhaps it would be ideal if conservatives funded their own university and brewed all their ideas there. It could be called “The Conservatory”, it would be set in the relics of upper middle class buildings and fester ideas that are about as appealling as hothouse fungus. That way we can keep our universities as centres for inovative thought and creativity, the conservatives get to feel like what they say is important and no-one has their freedom of speech stifled! Win/win for all!
I couldn’t find a good picture of Mr. Jackson wearing ‘Vulvetta’, so here are some ladies wearing vulva costumes.
Viva la Vulva!
If I could take a video of myself smouldering with a large gun and saying “I’m back, did you miss me?” in a husky, come hither voice I would. But I can’t, so can you please take a moment to imagine such a thing.
Did you miss me?
I didn’t think so…
But here I am, I’m back and inspired to relaunch The Huntress. Why now? Well a small, random, but significant combination of events have occured in recent weeks. These have consisted of some interesting headlines (integral to this Huntress project), a specific request for a new Huntress project (ok, this one is old, but it’s a start), randoms repeatedly stopping me in the street to ask about The Huntress, at least 3 groups of these randoms in the street wanting to know more about The Huntress (with more than two groups asking where they could purchase the publication!?!) and one request for film rights to The Huntress. Not bad, considering. So with all of this in mind I come bearing gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh.
What the fuck IS myrrh? Does anybody know?
Ok, I don’t really have gold, frankincense and myrrh, but I do have poor writing skills, excellent headlines and a desire to combine the two. Surely that should cut it. And in true essence of The Huntress vs. The Headline it’s dumb-down Friday, but, before we begin, we must award today’s top three terrible headlines.
I’ve kind of missed doing this. It feels good to be back.
It was tough finding the top three terrible today as the offerings have been rather mediocre. However, the bronze medal goes to AdelaideNow for “Grab Your Brollies, It Could Get Wet” and the silver medal is awarded to The Australian with “Fang The Fish Shocks Researchers”. Both schintillating news stories, surely. For the first gold medal of 2013 we have PerthNow, entertaining citizens with “Kylie Will Never Get Rid Of Charlene”, because it is all important news, not like, you know, Rohingya asylum seekers being shot by the Thai military, for, like, being stateless.
I’m considering starting a study on my alcohol consumption and whether it increases post the top terrible headlines of today. But I think we already know what the results are.
Let’s move on to todays headline! I had a choice of two excellent headlines today, but seeing as today IS International Womans Day (IWD) I decided to run with the female sex doll story. Of course. Every year on March the Eighth, women around the world celebrate what it is to be a woman and reflect upon ways we can improve our society for our mothers, sisters and daughters. Most major cities hold IWD marches and events, the resident feminist-haters of sites such as The Punch and The Conversation have an absolute field day enjoying their self-righteous misogyny and men in Brazil bid sums of up to AUD$102,000 to spend a night with a blow-up doll.
Look, even I’m the first to admit it’s cheaper than marrying. But let’s look closer at this.
Now, I’m struggling to research the origins of this particular sex doll, however Brazillian online sex shop, Sexonico is conducting the auction for the dolls virginity. The winner of the auction obtains a package including a night in the presidential suite of a pay-by-the-hour motel, a candlelit dinner with French champagne, a rose petal bath, return flights to Sao Paolo, sexy lingerie for the dolly and a digital camera to film the event.
Lights, camera, action!
Now, this particular auction is preceding the event that is the first international convention of inflatable dolls, a four day event being held in Brazil, where the prize doll, Valentina will be unveiled. Valentina is Brazil’s first sex doll offering, with such features as “a fleshy mouth, full breasts and a body that causes envy in all the women”. I did find much amusement in the translation from the Portuguese Brazillian website to English, with eyebrow raising lines such as ” correctly is going to leave men and women of faced with so much fallen chin exuberance” and “she was invented for do not stay behind the beauty of the women of meat and bone”. Do I really have to note sic? Didn’t think so. In short Valentina is set to thrill and is meant to be as real as the woman lying back underneath you thinking of England. Romantic.
As I understand it, the sex doll business is big business, with consumers spending approximately US$6,000 for a basic doll, plus extra for additional upgrades such as fuller breasts ($850), pubic hair ($100) and (you’re going to love this!) a “shemale” option (up to $1000). It’s not that different from buying a Porsche, when you think about it and ultimately either way you get fucked over (I still maintain that Porsche give less car for more money).
I really don’t know how to end this. I’ve just realised I spent my Friday night researching sex dolls and I can’t stop laughing. So here’s a picture of the lovely Valentina.
I don’t really know what to say. So, did you miss me?
Well, hello, out there!
Oh, how I have missed my little platform of self indulgent thought and fantastic headlines! It has been so many months since I updated, but truth is I have been hideously unwell; unwell enough that I haven’t even been able to undertake my daily perusal of news and headlines for the last five months and am only just starting to recover. I have just started reading news again, I have no clue what has been going on in the world, however sometimes a headline is so worthy that it just can’t be ignored. I apologise for any random gibbering, I am yet to become fully functional in thought.
But it is the thought that counts, right?
So, if I’m going to do this, I ought to do it properly and present some awards for the top three terrible headlines of the day (Oh, how I have NOT missed ye!). The bronze award goes to PerthNow for “Cowell Had Sex 11 Times In One Night” – which incidently makes me wonder if it was that entertaining if one was counting? The silver award goes to AdelaideNow’s “Stomp In The Name Of Love” and the gold medal of the day goes to News.com.au for “Harry Goes Nuts After Ban On Blondes”.
I still maintain that brunette’s are superior. *Ahem*
Sooo, moving on to today’s headline, which caught my jaundiced eye, not only for its interest, but the articles brilliance. I once again defer to the wonderful Lauren Rosewarne, who I do ever so look up to (Maybe I can become a career writer feminist too, now that I need a new career, but I doubt I could ever have such pizazz), to discuss a subject that I am not so secretly passionate about – women and their sexuality.
I am not ashamed to say that I own a well thumbed copy of “Story of O” or a couple of Anais Nin’s works. I do not live in London so I cannot attend a spanking workshop or Japanese rope bondage class held in the Coco de Mer parlours, though I have happily browsed their bondage section; mainly because I love leather and there are some seriously gorgeous creations available. I enjoyed ‘Secretary’, however I have not read “Fifty Shades of Grey”, though I have read the supposedly dirty bits, which read a bit like a silky soft version of “Story of O”. A bit lacking in power and passion for my taste, but hey some people like the vanilla version. I’m more of a dark chocolate kind of girl.
All in all the common theme is sado-masochism and modern women, as today’s headline suggests. It is being argued that as women now hold higher ranking roles and positions of power in our society, compared to 50 years ago, there is also an increasing popular demand by women for BDSM in the bedroom. The theory being that men, who traditionally have held the balance of power in boadrooms and bedrooms, have been more inclined to pay for the submissive spanking that affords them the sexual thrill that they otherwise lack in their lives. As women have started to obtain similar power in business and bed, they too have started looking for the excitement of sexual surrender and obedience.
If it’s good for the goose, then it’s good for the gander, no?
But it also has to be asked if the rise in demand for bondage, domination and sado-masochism is due to genuine interest, or marketing and pop culture. Are women asking for a spanking doing so because it feels dirty and heightens the pleasure or because advertising states kinky sex is better sex, which in turn means a better, more fulfilled life than the people who live next door? Are we being pushed into believing that everyone else is having better sex (driving a more prestigious car, wearing more covetable labels or drinking rarer wines) and therefore we must rush out and purchase the slickest toys, the sexiest kinky boots, the most hardcore porn? Which all in all is someone elses vision of hot sex – the marketer who is creating pop culture.
As Ms. Rosewarne notes that for every woman out there participating in the heady rush of every ‘thwack!’, there is one participating because she has been sold the idea her partner will stray if she’s not the hottest, spiciest lay. There are people who genuinely love the dirt, the sweat and the thrill of BDSM and more power to them, but it cannot be ignored that advertisers of pop culture have played a role in the rise of interest in such activities. I couldn’t possibly give numbers or percentages over who would rather have ‘O’s’ experience or ‘Anastasia’s’ experience in “50 Shades of Grey” (but perhaps the Kinsey Institute could?). Both fantasies have similarities, but are yet unique to each other, just like individual women, but neither fantasy is going to provide a “better” life if it’s not really what you want in the bedroom.
What I really want, in and out of the bedroom, is these shoes…
And in a few weeks they’re going to be mine! All mine!!! Ah, who needs BDSM when you can have Louboutins?
Its been a while between headlines and with such distractions as the rugby World Cup and hurtey knees I must confess that the headlines have not been high on my agenda. Which is probably not such a bad thing with such monstrosities as “Miranda Kerr Flips The Bird” with thanks to The Daily Telegraph, “New 50c Has More Bling”, courtesy of AdelaideNow and “Shocking: Pink Doesn’t Exist And Here’s Why” brought to us by News.com.au being dished out by news providers.
Once again today’s headline is one that is an issue close to my heart and I am glad to be able to have an opportunity to discuss (air my opinion?) on this subject. On Saturday 32 year American tourist George Thomas Wainwright was killed by a shark whilst scuba diving and spearfishing alone approximately 500 metres off Little Armstrong Bay, Rottnest Island. This incident followed the disappearance of 64 year old Bryn Martin at Cottesloe beach on the 10th of October in a suspected shark attack and the death of 21 year old body boarder Kyle Burden at Bunker Bay during August this year. These recent, tragic deaths have prompted Western Australian premier Colin Barnett to authorise the destruction of the shark responsible for Saturday’s attack and to consider a cull of the endangered great white shark.
John Silberberg, author of today’s headline, notes that this attitude is one that would make Quint, the professional shark-hunter from the famed novel ‘Jaws’, proud. Just as occured after the release of the movie ‘Jaws’, there is “community hysteria (and) a loss of reasoned thought at the idea that there is a man-eater waiting in the shallows of the coast”. While shark attack is undoubtedly a traumatic incident, the attitude that we should kill and cull any beast that threatens mankind is somewhat primal for our supposedly civilised society. Let us look at some cold, hard facts for a moment.
1) Great white sharks are an endangered species.
2) Great white sharks are an apex predator. Apex predators are key players in maintaining the health of an eco-system. A recently published study in ‘Science’ magazine found that “the loss of apex consumers is arguably humankind’s most pervasive influence on the natural world”.
3) While some may argue that 1 suspected and 2 confirmed shark attacks in recent months show a massive increase in shark attacks, these figures are consistent with long term shark attack averages. Up until June 2009 shark attack fatalities averaged at 1.04 deaths per year over the last 50 years. Despite the growth in our population to more than double what it was 50 years ago and the increase of people using our beaches and waterways, shark attack figures have remained steady – there is a less percentage chance of becoming a shark attack victim now than ever before.
Facts and figures are very little comfort to those mourning for the victim of a shark attack but I do believe we need to bring some perspective to the debate. With no disrespect intended to the most recent victim or his family, it is worth noting that he was scuba diving alone, offshore in an area that is known great white shark territory, spearfishing. Personally, having been diving on many an occasion in the same area myself, I would never go without a buddy (PADI, the worlds largest and most recognised scuba diving agency are strong supporters of the ‘buddy’ system) and I would not participate, or go with someone who is participating in spearfishing. I have a very healthy respect for the risk I take when engaging with such an environment and I don’t like to (however inadvertantly) invite trouble.
Sometimes, however, trouble does find us when we’re in the water, as is suspected in the case of Bryn Martin. I have been in a rather precarious situation whereby I got a bit more up-close-and-personal with a 2.5 metre tiger shark than was comfortable whilst swimming in shallow waters. I am forever grateful to the 2 young men on shore who frantically caught my attention to get out of the water NOW before I came to harm. I don’t think I have ever moved so fast in my entire life when I spotted that fin gliding in from about 10 metres away and was thankful I had the good fortune to watch such a beautiful creature from the shore – for more than one reason.
We are lucky in Australia to have incredibly beautiful seas and a lifestyle that allows us to utilise our wonderful resource. Our oceans are home to an incredible array of aquatic wildlife, some of which happen to be magnificent and dangerous all at the same time. We wouldn’t expect to walk through an African savannah that is the natural habitat of lion’s, hippo’s and leopard’s and be free from risk, so what right do we have to apply that expectation to our oceans? What would actually be achieved from culling sharks? Would it not be better to spend money on research and education to better understand what is probably one of our most misunderstood beasts? The family of a 2008 shark attack victim spoke against hunting and killing the shark responsible for their loss, arguing that that is not what the victim would have wanted. I commend these people for standing up and speaking out in defence of these majestic and graceful creatures and understanding that it was the risk their loved one took when entering the water.
To end on a less serious note I can’t help but feel that Colin Barnett’s fears in relation to great white sharks are in fact unfounded…he should be in fear of Roger Corman’s SHARKTOPUS!!!
C-grade horror at its most hilarious.
It’s a glorious Spring day outside today, so why am I inside facing allergic reactions to headlines rather than facing allergic reactions to pollen and flowers? Who knows but today’s eye-watering symptoms have been induced by News.com.au with the inflammatory “Kyles Love Child: Exposed Or Publicity Stunt?”, The Telegraph.com.au discharging “TV Show’s On-Air Fart” and The Courier Mail with the rashy “Minister Approves Crack Down On Undies”.
It all makes me want to sneeze violently.
I picked today’s headline as it is definitely a personal rant issue for me, however it is also something that should seriously be considered. Emma Jane laments the loss of experienced bra fitters from our department stores and retail outlets. Few women know what to look for when buying a bra and how a bra should actually fit. As Ms. Jane notes “struggling to suavely de-clip a partner’s brassiere in the boudior is nothing compared to the difficulties experienced when trying to find one that fits properly in the first place. I completely empathise with this as until very recently (within the last 2-3 years) I was only able to buy my size from one or two shops in Australia and generally had no choice but to order from overseas – the perils of being ginourmously (yes, it’s a real word if applied to my cleavage) endowed with a little back.
A well fitted bra does many things – it makes you look slimmer, your clothes sit better and above all it protects your back and makes for good posture. It never ceases to amaze me that women spend so much time and effort on getting shoes that fit correctly but yet will assume that their bra size is a 12C (because it sounds average) and happily wear it with boob overspill, straps riding into the wrong places, causing the back-fat look (even on the most slender of ladies) or shoulder straps falling down or digging in. Being properly fitted is a revelation and it’s a shame women can’t access experienced fitters.
Cue Ms. Jane’s discovery of Ms. Chesticle Jellybonkers (it is assured it is not her real name – I was a wee bit disappointed). Apparently some women out there have mined opportunity to open bra fitting services in their spare rooms as a side line to their lingerie e-businesses. Other than the disconcerting nature of undressing in a complete strangers home, Ms. Jane found she was fitted perfectly with a number of sensible bras, as well as defaulting to some whimsical little lacy numbers. What I would like to see from this is for our department and retail stores to realise that women want and NEED experienced fitters to help them negotiate the mysterious interplay of back/cup sizes (I love the mingled look of shock/horror/fascination when I whisper “10G”) and to educate women how to find a well fitting bra on their own. A good bra makes you look good and feel good – and if you’re lucky someone will want to take it off you. For any ladies who may be interested Bravissimo’s perfect fit guide demystify’s the process.
Now this sexy lady has a well fitting bra – not that you’re likely to notice (picture courtesy of Pleasure State, my current favourite lingerie brand that actually has its models correctly fitted in every picture I’ve seen [unlike many lingerie advertisements] AND even makes scanties in my size!).
Its been a dry few weeks on the headline front, much to my dismay, but the usual chaff is still being churned out, even though the wheat has been scarce. The cream of this crop has included such headlines as “Nude Calenders – Nipples Are Out”, produced by The Telegraph.com.au, “As Tasty As Meatloaf Gets, Apparently”, farmed out by the Herald Sun and “Rooting Isn’t A Crime In New Zealand”, harvested by PerthNow.
I really don’t know what to say…
Moving on to today’s headline, which I have poached once again from Chow.com’s James Norton. Meatless Monday is an initiative being driven by the James Hopkins’ Bloomberg School of Public Health in an effort to improve the health of the individual, with the added benefit of reducing the carbon footprint being left upon our planet. By encouraging people to keep meat-free on Monday it is believed that many people will lower their risk of chronic diseases such as cancer and heart disease, as well as significantly reduce the amount of man-made greenhouse gas emissions, minimise excess water consumption and reduce our dependence upon fossil fuels. Sounds good to me, so why the link to communists and terrorists?
Richard Berman, a Washington based lobbyist also known for his campaigns to minimise the severity of dangers such as drink-driving, smoking and obesity, recently wrote a piece that decried ‘Meatless Monday‘ as being nothing more than a “Trojan-horse campaign with its basis in the fringe (that) can transform a loony idea into one that infiltrates mainstream thought”. Interesting. Mr. Berman also equates those who follow ‘Meatless Monday’ to being arsonists with “a full tank of gas and a book of wet matches…all it takes is one dry match to start a fire”.
“The fire of what?” is a very reasonable question asked by Mr. Norton. It would seem (according to Mr. Berman) that if people were to consume slightly less meat the resulting disaster would be equitable to Mount Vesuvius. All civilisation as we know it will end and the vortex will fold in upon itself leaving the communists and terrorists to take over the world with nothing but a cube of tofu and a leaf of lettuce. Scary stuff. Nothing, like, you know, people just choose not to eat meat on a Monday, leaving them to be a bit more creative with their diets, maybe enjoy some new and different foods and perhaps even save a bit of cash in the meantime.
So all of a sudden being meat free one day a week makes you a communist and a terrorist all rolled into one. Without realising it today I delved into my terrorist and communist roots by having a meat free dinner of sweet corn chowder, served with warm tortilla chips and gooey melted mozzerella. When I press the ‘publish’ button I have another terrorist treat of apple, pear and mulberry crumble that I baked earlier today. ‘Cause I’m a loony, arsonist, trojan-horse ‘Meatless Monday’ communist.
I’ll have a tank of fuel and a dry match, please.